Life, Examined
2014-2015
Beautiful Cities
I've been thinking about cities lately and about what makes them fit for human habitation. I saw this picture of a city skyline and my phenomological response to it was that it did not feel like a place for humans at all. It made me think of tarmac, fumes, concrete, steel, and oil. Now, I know that humans created those things, that we use those things- but I'm not trying to make sense here. That was my response.
What if I am right? What if the concrete jungles are not fit for human habitation and are yet inhabited by millions of humans anyway? What is happening to those humans? Are they less human than they would be in a better environment? And by less human, I mean, are they unable to become what they could be because of their environment? Is beauty nurturing in the way that love is? Does it free a person to explore, knowing that failure is not the end? Is beauty a kind of love that can help heal a broken soul- like the concern and care of a lover when one is lost?
Here are some pictures of human habitations that DO NOT look like human environments to me:
LIGHT
BULB!
So, I have figured out a few things. So far, in order to feel like a healing environment to me, a habitation must have water, especially clean water, creative architecture, and vegetation.
Here are some pictures of cities that seemed more human to me.
The things that make a civilization fit for humanity, im my opinion, are:
Access to open and clean water, density of vegetation in pockets and vegetation throughout, color, oportunities to invent and create, displays of achievement, beautiful lighting, preservation of historical artifacts and records, evidence of creativity, a general sense of either prosperity or love, places to congregate and share experiences and apparantly, windows.
I have lived in a lot of places, and I have visited many others. Some have felt healing, some have felt sad, some have felt hostile. The most healing places that I have visited have all felt like they fed my soul, regardless of my mindset. They include everywhere I visited in Wales, all of the cities I lived in or visited in England (even the big cities), Brigham City Utah, Honeyville Utah, Grouse Creek Utah, all of the wild places that I have hiked or camped, Silverton and Ouray Colorado, Guthrie Oklahoma, Pennsylvania, The Mall Washington DC (while the surrounding territories were actually frightening), as well as many historical sites. In all of these places, there is beautiful vegetation. They are rich with prized history, and there is a sense of connectedness- between people and people and people and nature. They have fresh water for both drinking and recreation. These places have healed me.
I did not find this to be true of any of the cities I visited in Rome or Germany. They were lovely and rich in history, but there was a sense of disconnectedness that prevented these cities from being healing. A pervading awareness of makind's violent, dishonest, and unjust history- a jaded consciousness that seemed to influence interactions, a consciousness that felt like spiritual poverty. I saw an old gypsy woman sitting on the steps of one of the basilicas, feeding pigeons and asking for alms and I saw it in her eyes- this distrust of man in conflict with her reliance on his capricious charity.
I have never been to New York City, so I can't speak to that, but my time in Chicago was not enjoyable. There was a sense of enmity, similar to the enmity I felt in Midwest City. Like Rome, there was a sense of history, but unlike Rome, they were not proud of it. Rome was like the very old cities of the East in terms of dark history and the feeling of ancient cynicisms having been passed down.
If I am ever to create a habitation for the healing of other human beings, it will need to contain the healing elements just discussed. It must be beautiful, it must allow for the expression of creativity. It must be unique, colorful, beautiful and it must employ windows, water, and density of vegetation. There must be a sense of interconnectedness- people to people and people to nature. There must be a sense of history and destiny as well as a sense of general prosperity and a great deal of love. There must be gathering spaces. The lighting must be warm, soothing, sufficient and lovely.
How to combine all of these elements? What is my favorite city in the world? Definitely Bibury. Here are some pictures.
This city has it all. It allows for motor traffic but is ideal for foot and bike traffic. It is absolutely beautiful, but not perfect. It is unique, and peaceful. The gardens and arboretums are a highlight and the pace of life is slow and people take time to talk. This is a place that has a strong phenomological element. This is a place that can be healing. Slowing down is important too.
So what does all this mean?
A place for true healing must not have a rigid schedule. It must allow living for the sake of living and not living to get things done. It should have charming dwelling places that are kept in order. It should smell nice. It should have ponds and fountains, beautfiul gardens, open grounds, fish, ducks, birds. It should have foot trails, bike trails. It should have a dining room, and places for entertainment. It should have art classes and community theater and music. It should have gardening space and classes. It should have yoga and meditation, candles. The baths and pool should be full of plants and flowers. I envision a dining room full of bougainvillea, calla lilies, peace lilies, grape ivy and fig trees full of orchids. There should be the sound of running water. Some areas should have beautiful music but there should be quiet. There should not be obvious signs of hurry or convenience such as paper plates, stucco, gravel, and cold cereal. There should be a sense of care being taken, and pride in beauty. The food should be delicious and nurturing.
Yes, I truly believe that beauty is healing and that beauty is a manifestion of many different kinds of love for many different kinds of reasons. It can be self serving, self harming, harmful to others, the cause of suffering, but that is beauty for the wrong reasons, like conceit, the love of power, etc. When beauty is created for oneself and for others to increase happiness and to enjoy beauty for beauty's sake, I think it is a healthy kind of love.
BEAUTY IS A SPECIAL KIND OF LOVE
Class Projects
We've been meeting and discussing our projects as a class, giving each other updates, etc, and things are really coming together. This is good, because with less than a semester left, the clock is ticking down.
Ericka is doing an edible garden project. This means that she has a lot of logistical and bureaucratic hurdles to jump, but she is doing it and it sounds like it is going really well. She is talking about doing a box over a doorway, which should be really beautiful. Courtney showed some really cool pictures of succulent gardens as idea fodder, and I really loved them. I think I might incorporate some of these ideas into my home garden and when I finally build a sanctuary/retreat, I will include both indoor and outdoor living walls and perhaps a living fence. Here are a few of the pictures to give you an idea.
We watched a movie in class about a place called Bayview on the Del Marva Peninsula. It was called This Black Soil: A Story of Resistance and Rebirth. It was about a community coming together to fight the placement of a prison in their community (Northhampton County). The community had become degraded over time. Most of the big employers had left the area with 5 major factories gon in ten years. Thousand of people were unemplyed for 6 months out of the year and were employed at minimum wage for that 6 months of 14 hour days. It had become the poorest county in the state of Virginia and Charles McClusky- I think he was the governor- was a proponent of the prison being built there. He said that the locals would be employed and would therefore benefit. This didn't make a lot of sense, though, because the local population didn't have the minimum education requirements for the jobs. What really made sense was that Bayview was chosen because it was a "rural area near low income areas without substantial political power". Worse, the decision was made without any public hearing.
The locals had a very unique way of life. They were the poorest county, but that doesn't paint much of a picture. They had no running water in their houses, their houses were shacks held together by whatever could be acquired. I tried to find a picture on the internet but I couldn't. Seeing the row of houses was shocking. These families were living with means common 100 years ago to the poorest of people excepting that some of it was plastic- like the plastic garbage bags replacing rotted portions of a roof or a plastic bucket for moving water from the pump into the house for use. Because they were poor, they were being treated as if they were less intelligent or less important. They had a life and while they wanted to improve parts of it, they wanted to preserve other elements of that life. The state was trying to make those decisions for them and fix their problems without their input. Now, no solution is ever a solution without the input of those meant to benefit- its like letting a 3 year old buy a present for an adult without any advice. No adult really wants that bright blue bouncy ball very much. The locals did not see the prison as the great benefit it was said to be. They understood that prison employees and their families are affected by the work that they do and they didn't want to see those changes enter their lives. But as stated before, they had no substantial political power.
To make a long story short, they beat the prison. With the help of government agencies and non-profit organizations, they were able to solve their problems without the prison. They were able to get clean drinking water and safe housing with indoor plumbing. They were able to build their community into the kind of community that they wanted to live in.
one thing about their story that I found very interesting is that there was a certain point where the people who were helping them- the EPA, the architects, etc- almost expected them to self-destruct on their success. They described it a a sort of critical point where people who need help push it away out of a mistaken placement of their dignity- they don't allow themselves to live in the dignity that they deserve as humans because they feel that the help and the "interference" of others is beneath their dignity. But this community did not do that. And so they were successful.
I've thought about what Professor Goldsmith wants us to get from this film and I think it must be that the little guy can do big things against great odds if they have solidarity, a purpose, and the willingness to put the work in. Also, perhaps, that we must be willing to work outside of our comfort zone if we want to achieve a goal that is bigger than us.
These concepts apply to everything our class is doing this year. In my project, it applies because survivors of human trafficking are definitely the little guy. Some of the survivors that I have been in contact with definitely push help away. They are so used to being burned and so distrustful of others that they need everything to be on their terms. Understandable, yes, but it makes things complicated. There are a lot of reasons why this is a self-perpetuating problem.
SIMPLIFYING MY LIFE
This semester has been a difficult one. The most difficult that I have had. Two hospital visits with my baby, postpartum depression and an extremely difficult pre-teen have made me reconsider my priorities. I've also recognized that I have no control over what challenges will face me in my education and that I also have no idea what they will be. I realized something big. It was a sort of epiphany. I have kept a 4.0 since I started my university education 3 years ago. Now, I have earned that 4.0 with a lot of really hard work. But something inside me has changed this semester and I realize that while I do enjoy doing a good job and I love a good challenge- I have enough challenges right now. No one works as hard as I have unless they have something to prove and I realize that I felt I had to justify my going to school with above par performance- like I don't deserve to go to school unless I earn it big time. Heck, I even got an A in my math class. I prayed my way through that one and I did get help and clarity but now I wonder, how important are my high marks? How important is it for me to obtain an honor's degree? And I realize the ridiculousness of thinking that I don't deserve an education- that's just another one of those fetters of childhood- the feathers of my nascent cradle that got stuck in my hair and continue to work their way out in my adulthood. My postpartum depression would tell me that I will always be the sum of my experiences and that I can not escape the hell that I experienced in my formative years and I ought to just sit down and accept it and acknowledge that I sucked then, I suck now, and I will always suck- but my rational side says that I am pretty damn awesome, just like everyone else and that I have managed to make some pretty tasty lemonade out of the lemons and sugar I've found. I'm talented and resourceful- I'm just a late bloomer in some ways, but I have created beauty around me when and wherever I could all my life and I have created trouble when I couldn't figure what else to do. I would never tell anyone, anywhere, that they needed to earn the right to an education by getting straight A's- that would be ridiculous! But that's what I've been expecting of myself.
I mentioned the idea of dropping the honors degree to Professor Goldsmith. He looked fleetingly concerned and made a sort of disclaimer. Then he told me that I have Super Mormon Mommy Syndrome (or something like that). I have known for years that this is the case, but I was interested to know what he was seeing. He laughed in a way that said that it was super clear to one and all. Yeah. It's true. It's easier to know that something is true than to figure out what to do about it. Well, I decided to simplify my life in the ways that I could.
I deep cleaned my kitchen and took everything that I hadn't used for a year to the thrift store. I cleaned my kitchen and my bedroom- except the top of my dresser that became a real black hole this semester. I organized my filing and burned all of my files that were more than 7 years old. I scrubbed my walls and basically purged a lot of filth and clutter from my life. It was very cathartic. I sold my chickens. That was a big move, but it was the right one.
So I am emailing Dr. Watzinger-Tharpe about whether or not I should pursue my honor's degree. I don't want to make this decision without consulting her first because she is the dean of the graduate program that I want to enter in addition to being my honors advisor- and the interim dean of my current college!
JENNY ZEMP
Our meeting was a great success! Jenny is definitely a business woman. She is savy, smart, up-to-date, and she has a lot of heart. She was interested in the subject of human trafficking and it was very nice to be able to speak openly and frankly to her about the subject, about the postition, and about the issues that might arise. She generously said that she would rather hire the vendor as an employee. In her words, she has started several businesses nad she doesn't think that a person who is recovering from a traumatic experience needs that kind of stress. She asked all the right questions and it was very conforting to know that she understands what she is getting herself into and is strong enough to not feel unable to call it quits if it ends up bad for her business or life. I'm excited to work with her. What really remains now is to get her feedback into the kiosk, get her a list of applicants and to figure out a time frame.
SIMPLICITY IS SUCCESS
It has been difficult to track down all of the information for the directory. Professor Goldsmith recommended that I do a gap analysis first, and that helped a lot and saved a lot of time but it has still been a difficult and sometimes daunting task. One time, I sat on hold for half an hour to talk to someone who referred me to someone else who referred me to someone else who then referred me to someone else who then told me that she'd never heard of anything like what I was asking for (even though I knew for a fact that it existed). This is when my experience working with insurance companies came in. Large organizations have lots of departments and oftentimes multiple departments will have partially overlapping responsabilities. In well conceived and well managed organizations, all departments have access to each other and communicate freely and constantly. In areas where they have shared responsabilities, they can see what the other side is doing. Less well managed organizations have programs within programs that don't even know about each other. But that doesn't mean that large organizations aren't extremely human. They are and this is both good and bad. It's good because they know how complicated the system is that they are working within. And they are usually fed up with it. That means that you can call a representative and treat them with respect and consideration and they will typically appreciate it as a breath of fresh air and they become extremely helpful, unlocking otherwise withheld wells of information. Building a rapport with underpaid and overworked customer service representatives is a skill that I have developed working with large insurance companies and it is a good skill to have.
Anyway, I realized as I used my skills to peel back the layers of bureaucracy and get to the information I needed, that I would never have been able to figure the system out if I didn't have the experience that I have with large organizations and if I was emotionally invested in obtaining that information.
What that means is that if I had been a victim of human trafficking, and I was trying to get out of "the life" and reintegrate into society, I WOULD NOT HAVE BEEN ABLE TO GET THE HELP THAT I NEEDED.
WHAT?! True story. This is why it is important for me to create the directory and share it with all of the organizations that I have been in contact with as I have researched who's who in this game. The solution has to be fairly simple for it to be successful. No one jumps from a bad situation into an undefined situation. For all you know, it could be worse. When you have a problem , you don't want to make a lateral move, you need to make an upward move, or you still have a problem. My car is dying and I therefore need to buy a car that is in better condition than my current vehicle. If a person is stuck in a stituation that is unacceptable because it is unstable (lack of independence, choices made by unethical people who do not care about you), unsafe (rape, risk of stds, pregnancy, possible forced abortion, and murder), and unhealthy (no medical attention, no time off, overworked, torture, rape, trauma) then they can't get out if the alternative is unstable (no safe place to stay, unable to get safe work or housing, choices still made by others who are not that invested in you), unsafe (rape, risk of stds and pregnancy), and unhealthy (no health insurance, trying to cope with DID without supervision).
The solution has to be a step up. It has to be simple. Simplicity is success.
Everyone's projects are coming along. The kiosk sketches are looking great. I love the multicolored plexiglass ceiling. It gives it a cathedral look- like stained glass- and makes it interesting. Courtney and Ashley's light pollution project is coming along. Everyone seems happy with their projects except Gui. Her project doesn't seem to fit her. She is such a passionate person that if she loved her project, you would definitely know it and she doesn't. It's like hitting a bell and getting a thud instead of a ring. She is so passionate about education- I wonder if she could do something related to education. What got me thinking about that is that we had someone come in today from Teach for America. It sounded like a really cool idea and a great solution for disinterested teaching in title 1 schools. I could totally see Gui teaching through a program like that. I just realized that I don't know what she is studying. I think I know what everyone else is studying. I should try to remember to ask her.
I've been thinking about the need for expert knowledge. Every school needs teachers and it is sad that some schools get really good teachers and some schools get garbage teachers and some schools get something in between. I have a sister who is bat-shit crazy but loves to give everyone advice. The trouble starts when someone takes her advice and acts on it because people need to get advice from someone who is already where they want to be, not someone who is just trying to make it through the day without doing anything crazy or evil. This is one of the reasons why helping people get out of prostitution is so difficult. It is a bridge between two disparate worlds and it requires expert knowledge about both. You have to have input from people who have been trafficked to understand how to help people who are being trafficked. That's why there are survivor run organizations- because they are the best at getting people out. They've gone maverick because they recognize the limitations of people who have never been trafficked- and that people who are in the system will never trust anyone but a formerly trafficked person to help get them out. The problem with survivors trying to run the show is that survivors have their limits too. DID is a major limitation. Pervading distrust is too- as well as the very natural anger that they have to cope with. You can't untie people's knots if you're all tied up. While I agree that it survivors MAY be better (in some cases) at getting people to flee their situation, what comes after that is not really their province. To get people back into mainstream society, you need expert knowledge from people who have lived successfully in mainstream society.
This same sister of mine who loves to give advice so much has never been able to take care of herself or her environment or had to take care of anyone else. When another sister, who had several young children, was naturally saying that she was tired, she said to her that if she was tired, she just needed to get more sleep- as simple as that. She was unable to understand that a mother of young children doesn't just "get more sleep" because she is taking care of children through the night AND the day and that they have to be supervised by an alert and awake adult all day and that even if you get them to take a nap it doesn't mean that it will be at the same time. My sister thought it was simple because it was simple for her. When she's tired she goes to bed until she wakes up no longer tired. It's the same thing with the relationships between survivor and non-survivor run organizations. As a non-survivor, I can't understand the choices that a survivor makes unless they are explained to me by a survivor. They seem childish, or selfish, or self-destructive, or counterproductive until you understand the impetus and then they make perfect sense. The fight against human trafficking has to include both of these demographics in order for it to be effective.
MY LIFE HAS CHANGED!!
There is a family study room on the 3rd floor of the Marriot Library! It is fairly new. It has been really hard this semester to try to study with the kids, especially a nursing baby. I was studying in the knowledge commons and having a hard time getting anything done because someone needed to go potty and someone needed to nurse and someone was bored and someone was hungry and I had to move around all the time. Then this lovely gentleman asked me if I was aware of the new family reading room, etc. He had helped organize it and was very proud of it. I came to check it out and I am never going back!!
Toys, TV, and Books
Nursing Room
Computer Lab and Printer
Train Table, Desks, Outlets
This is perfect! It's everything that a student with little ones who is trying to maximize time with the kids and minimize child care expenses needs! This has really changed the way that I manage things. I will plan my next semester around the fact that it is here. This room is a good example of institutionalized compassion enabling people to achieve and accomplish their goals so that they are free to benefit and improve society with innovation and excellence in their chosen fields. Without the institutions available on this campus, I would not be doing what I am doing now.
SIMPLIFYING MY LIFE, CONTINUED...
I got an email back from Dr. Watzinger-Tharpe. She commended me on my thoughtful approach to planning my education and gave me her advice. She said that she has never advised anyone not to get their honor's degree, but that you also have to be practical. She agreed that in my circumstances, it seemed like a waste of time and money. So, I am going to drop the honor's degree, and graduate Summer of 2016 with my Middle Eastern Studies Arabic Degree. This makes me feel a lot better, because I was starting to feel like I was never going to graduate. Ever. I intend to maintain excellence in my work, but I'm not going to fret and obsess over my last math class the way that I did over the last one. I let that class ruin my life for a semester and there is no way that I am going to do that again. They say that C's earn degrees. While I don't agree with this approach, I might just adopt it for MATH 1030.
YOGA
AND
ME
I am a 200 hr RYT, which means that I a m a yoga instructor. Yoga has been an integral part of my life. It has seen me through my pregnancies and it has kept me sane in dark times. Four years ago, I went and got my license . I was completely immersed in yoga with a daily practice and finishing my licensure. I did this after my parents had disowned me, my husband, and my children. This was an extremely painful time in my life. My parents had caused me and my siblings a lot of pain in the past, but this was of a different kind and I felt that I shouldn't be so vulnerable to their crazy as an adult. I found , though, that a child needs his or her parents whether or not they are there. If they are not emotionally or physically present, there is a hole that cannot be filled with anything else. I learned that is is safer to acknowledge the hole in my heart and work around it than it is to try to fix it. There is no substitution for loving parents and I have always wished that I had some.
Anyway, this was an incredibly painful time for me, but my yoga practice got me through. Then I got busy working on my bachelors degree and caring for Grandma at the end of her life. I didn't do yoga for a while. When I wanted to get back into my practice as a yogi, I had a serious internal resistance to it. I couldn't figure out what it was for the longest time! I have sometimes wondered if it wasn't some kind of self-sabotaging or self-destructive impulse, but it didn't seem like it.
I decided yesterday that I WAS going to start doing yoga again. I literally forced myself to go through with it on the strength of my willpower. I felt terrible. I felt sad and I felt like crying. I t came to me then that I was experiencing cell memory. My body remembered my grief. It remembered being on my yoga mat, crying and releasing my heartbreak. Trying to do yoga was like asking my body to go back to that terrible time. It makes sense now. And realizing this has made all the difference. I am able to do yoga again, and that is something worth celebrating about.
And the Projects Continue to Come Together...
I've been a little nervous about the huge metamorphosis of my project, but it is comforting to see that everybody's projects have taken turns. The kiosk is probably my favorite project- even over my own project in terms of excitement. It's just going to be SO GREAT. Actually, Hannah's wearable appointment reminder device is genius. She is going to revolutionize the way that homeless clinics do business throughout the country, possibly even the world. As they say, she is going to go far.
Oh yeah, Gui has found her calling! She is no longer doing that project with the music at the kiosk. I'm so glad for her because she is really into her new project- it is a perfect fit. She is doing something with education after all- a natural environment playground. It takes me back to my outdoor childhood when I hear her talk about it. Being outside was definitely the best part of life then! I LOVED IT. I stayed outside as much as I could just soaking up the sun, and playing with every plant and animal that came my way. I learned to leave some alone. I think it is true that we are growing up disconnected from the natural world that we belong to and that it is not healthy. I think this is a great idea! I googled "natural playgrounds" and I found a lot of great pictures like these:
I love them! One of my sisters is an excellent early childhood teacher. She uses the Montessori method and she teaches 3-4 year olds. She would go crazy for this stuff.
NEW DEVELOPMENTS
When Professor Goldsmith suggested that we work something out with the 13th Street Market and find a survivor to man a fruit stand at the 13th Street Market, it was a pretty big deal. I loved the idea, I was impressed that he came up with it in the first place, and I was a little scared of how it would go. But Jenny Zemp is an amazing person and she was so ready to jump on board. This seems to be the story of this semester Everyone has been nervous about pitching their ideas and everyone has expected opposition, but things have been pretty smooth sailing. It reminds me of something that impressed me at the homeless exhibit. It was a story written by a couple who had traded all their worldy possessions for an RV. They had become voluntarily homeless. They traveled the country, taking work when they needed it and interacting with people from all over the country and what they said really stuck with me. It was something like this: The media has given us all the idea that our country and our world are populated with selfish and conniving people, but we found the opposite to be true. We found that people are largely interested in one another, friendly, and willing to help eachother.
I appreciated this message. Jenny's willingness to get involved was a good example of the goodness of people. But it went deeper than that. She was compassionate toward the potential worker to the point that she wanted to spare her the stress of starting up a business. She offered to hire her as an employee. I will be able to get the information to her about the Life Program because it will pretty much neutralize the risks that she will be taking. She asked that I compile a list of applicants for her to interview. As I have called around, there have been two issues. First, all of the shelters and sanctuaries have been very excited but concerned about the confidentiality issue. My acting as a broker for this position is a little problematic because they can't give me their patrons names, of course. But this is jumping the gun a little bit because they all want to know the timeline. Jenny is extremely busy with her family and all her enterprises, and she has not responded to that specific question yet. I wanted to know if she was planning to hire for the summer or for the beginning of fall semester because the summer will be a slow time. I wasn't SURE what to tell them, but I gave it my best guess, judging from our conversations and told them early fall. That is the second issue- this is all very much in the future. I won't start collecting that information until the 1st of August.
I've been working on my directory by resource. I had planned, initially, to make a comprehensive directory, but that is an impossibility. There are so many freaking small programs everywhere related to a lot of these categories that it would be a full time job to catalogue them. What is really important are the crucial programs that help bridge the gap between getting out and being able to stay out and reintegrate back into society.
I called the Director of Rockstarr Ministries and told her about the job selling fruit on the Marriot Plaza and she was pretty rude. She laughed and called it "dealing fruit" and said that she knew plenty of other kinds of dealers but that she didn't know anyone who dealt in fruit. I didn't play her game, but I did ask her if she would find out if anyone wanted a job. She posted it on facebook and a young girl named Sienna was really excited but that disappeared. It is possible that she was prevented from contacting me. If that is the case, it is a shame that someone would put their pride before another person's well being. When I called to let her know that I had found solutions to the problems she has been so vocal about, she seemed annoyed and argued that they weren't solutions because she isn't willing to seek a disability diagnosis- even with cognitive impairment and DID- she wants another solution. But the system cannot admit you unless you qualify for it. It is that simple. Either you play by the rules or you try to invent your own. In any case, the solutions DO exist. You just have to be willing to use them. I've known several people who feel the same way- that pretending not to have problems means you don't, if people buy into your game. But that approach never helps ANYONE.
In the end, she did acknowledge the possibility that she may feel that there are no programs available because she could not find them. I explained to her how difficult it was for me to research the problem and said that if I had needed the services for myself and was emotionally invested, I would not have been able to track them down. She seemed surprised and a little offended. But she said that she looked forward to seeing the directory. I hope she will take advantage of it. As I said in an earlier blog post, though, some people push help away with both hands because they feel the need to control everything around them. This is a natural result of having been at the mercy of everything around them so it is a very real thing. How to help people want to take advantage of the system? People seem to feel that the system is out to get them, or is there to serve itself and not them. But this system is the manifestation of a society's compassion and generosity. The system is there to serve and support them!
People who will not go to Department of Workforce Services will often go to shelters- so bridging the gap between shelters and the specialized programs at DWS would be a good move. People who will not go to shelters might benefit from an informative flier on telephone poles.
As I say to my young son
"WE ARE PEOPLE,
AND PEOPLE SOLVE PROBLEMS."
In Memoriam
To the best dog that ever lived- we love you and we will miss you. We are glad that you aren't in pain anymore and we hope that we did the right thing in letting you go.
EQUAL PAY FOR EQUAL WORK- WAGES AND PROSTITUTION
I was asked if I really thought that women's wages are related to prostitution.
YES.
I do. Absolutely. Low wages drive people to markets that promise a better return- like drug dealing and sex work. People talk about sex work like people need to have the right to do it if they want, but just because some people enter the field willingly, it doesn't mean that they maintain their independence. It is a complicated situation- cultures grow up around these situations as children are born into them and grow up with it as the norm. So it cannot be truthfully said that everyone wants out. It isn't that simple. But it is not a good situation, it is slavery more often than not, and if people need the right to get in, then they need the right to get out.
I was asked if I thought that women were paid less on purpose to keep the sex trade alive. Yes, I do. And laws are written to protect the institution. This is modern day slavery, alive and kicking.
This is slavery because people need subsistence. We are not air plants.
We need substantial inputs of sleep, water, food, exercise, love, touch, and
learning. When one person depends entirely on another for their sub-
sistence, that is either childhood, or slavery. Many marriages operate
like slavery. And certain institutions tend to favor slave arrangements.
Politicians and police officers often use the service. They are not, as a whole, motivated to fix the problem.
We need the Nordic Model- legal to sell sex, illegal to buy it. People always think this is a bad idea. I get the same question all the time- shouldn't it be illegal to sell and illegal to buy- but the answer is no. Prostitutes have been criminalized for ages. We have to decriminalize them in order to emancipate them. Think of the emancipation of black men and women. It was legal to own them and illegal for them to run away. What if we made it illegal to own them but still illegal for them to run away? There would have been no real emancipation. It must be legal to sell sex.
ONLINE DIRECTORY
I've had a new idea- to make the directory online and to include other pages, such as information about human trafficking, a current events page, how to get out, how to get involved, etc. This way I can share it very easily and the audience won't be limited in its potential.
Our professor was not able to make it to class. His mother hasn't been well and the way he described the ups and downs earlier reminded me of my husband's grandmother. I took care of her for the last 3 years of her life and she had some pretty big swings. It is a hard thing for anyone to go through. We were surprised today to find out that she had actually died. That got me thinking about how we are the result of our parents, their experiences and our own experiences. In this class, we have to produce artifacts. The way he was talking about his mother made me realize that, in a way, he was her artifact. My children are mine. They are, of course, their own selves, but I have a huge effect on who they are and who they become. This has been my struggle all my life. To try to retain the positives in my parents and reject and change the negative. In a way, it has been my life's work. People who have to struggle against their origins have more work to do to be able to be happy. If they don't do the work, they just aren't happy. Social work is the institution that helps people in that struggle- to rise above their origins and give themselves and their children something better.
CONNECTING THE DOTS
I think that I finally figured out what to do about the employee issue. I haven't had any real good contacts that I would feel good about sending to Jenny. I feel responsible for getting her into this and want to make sure that it is good for her business. I had an idea this morning. Nicole Tylka is the supervisor of several programs, but specifically, the Life Program. This is the program that bonds employees in their program for $5,000 so that employers are protected from loss related to employing them. They also pay 100% of wages for the first 3 months for employees ages 16-21 for full or part-time work or 50% of wages for the first 6 months for adult employees for full time work only. I called Nicole and asked her if she ever sends the people in her program to employers or if she could. She was surprised and said she supposed it would be possible. She would talk to her case workers and see who is in need of a job. I sent Nicole's information to Jenny so that Jenny can get set up with the Life Program and then Nicole can send people straight to Jenny. This is a great situation because it solves the confidentiality issue and the employees will come to Jenny prescreened.
Synchronicity. That is was Professor Goldsmith called it. When Jenny came to class to give her input on the kiosk design, it was like all the stars aligned. Jenny used a designer for her shop that Professor Goldsmith knew and wanted to have involved in designing the kiosk. They also had a vendor in common. It was cool. So now it is coffee, fruit, snack, and flowers as well. It will be so pretty with buckets screwed to the beams full of flowers. Professor Goldmith said that the idea of flowers was met with a lot of enthusiasm. I think this is going to be a major win for everyone.
presentations.
We had presentations today. We were asked to prepare a presentation about our projects that was a minute or under. It was hard to compress two semesters into a minute, but it was a good exercise because it solidified in my mind the process that I had been through and what I had learned from it. I wrote down all of the ideas that I felt were important to convey. Then I abridged it several times to cut down the time. Then I continued to abridge it because it was still too long. I created the slides and put the ideas on them that I didn't have time to express. Then I timed myself a few times at 1 minutes 2 seconds. My presentation ended up like this:
Sex trafficking is a self-sustaining problem. Without an ID and with a sex offense record, it is nearly impossible to improve your situation.
Specialized programs do exist, but they were so difficult for me to find, that it would be impossible for someone trying to survive in a dangerous situation. I found the programs available to be largely unaware of one another- because none of them provides a comprehensive solution, but they provide complementary services, this disconnect seriously limits their ability to provide meaningful and lasting assistance to people trying to escape human trafficking.
For this reason, I spent this semester compiling a data base of key programs organized by type of resource for distribution to the various programs that I have been in contact with. By bridging the gap between agencies and non-profits, I hope to be able to improve their overall effectiveness and increase access between resources and the people who need them.
Another exciting part of my project evolved around the Marriot Plaza Kiosk. I was able to connect a wonderful local business with a federal program that will allow them, without risk, to employ people coming out of human trafficking selling fruit, coffee, and flowers at the kiosk- and easing their reintegration into mainstream society.
Our presentations went well. A young man came up to me and thanked me for helping people get a second chance. He was a very sweet boy and it was a nice moment. I didn't move any mountains, but if even one person can be helped, then it was a pinprick of change. I think I understand better what Professor Goldsmith meant by thinking big on a small scale and making a difference on a hyper local level.
My world feels bigger and yet smaller. The possibilities are endless but we are all people. I don't see my community in the same way that I used to. I felt as if things just happened the way they were going to but now I see things as the result of choices and I recognize that some of those choices were not very good choices. I understand that I actually can create change- in my life and in my community. This is a very empowering thing to know and I credit this course with my altered sense of perception. I am not, ultimately, staying in the honors college, but it took my experience in this course to shape my future course as it is now.
I couldn't stay for too long after the presentations- I had to get to the daycare- but I had a nice conversation with Kendra and Ashley for a while. They asked some questions about human trafficking and were totally surprised about what is going on in our own back yard and how the laws are written. I always get this reaction, something like, "Why isn't anyone doing anything about it?
Problems exist because no one is doing anything about them, or at least not enough. Problems exist because the people who can fix them don't want to, or are invested in them remaining. I just want to reiterate that the laws are the problem. It is illegal to sell sex in the US and it is legal to buy. As long as these laws stand, sex slavery will continue to be a huge problem. Anything that is done between now and when the laws have been changed is a temporary fix.
After all of this research and exposure to the situation, I have come to the conclusion that what is needed is:
1- The Nordic model- Legal to sell, illegal to buy. This is hard for a lot of people to accept, but it is necessary. We must decriminalize the victims in the situation and we must crimilize the criminal.
2- Equal pay for equal work. This is a no brainer. As long as we are valued based on our sexual organs, we will be objectified in the work place. As long as women can't make it in safe work environments, women will turn to unsafe environments.
3- We need to legitimize the sex trade and pass laws regarding pay, environment, hours, etc.
4- Routine testing not only for prostitutes but for their clients as well. If it isn't okay for a prostitute to give a client an STD, then it isn't okay for a client to give a prostitute and STD. This is another example of women being treated as less human.
5- Better communication between all of the programs designed to assist women in this situation.
WEBSITE- I've been doing a lot of work on the website lately. The trick for me is going to be able to figure out how to format all of the information and link it all together. I wasted time on other websites trying to figure it out, but I've decided to just stay with wix because I know how it works already and that will help a lot. I have learned a lot of respect for the people who have created the amazing websites that I use all of the time. It ain't easy!
Good-bye Dinner
We met today for class at Indochine. The food was good, the conversation was interesting, the breeze was lovely, and the temperature was perfect. I actually realized at dinner that the semester really was drawing to a close. I also realized that I won't be coming to this class anymore. I feel a little sense of loss. Ericka proposed a toast and waxed a little philisophical. She talked about the class and the program and what it does for people and it got me thinking about what this course has done for me. As it turns out, it has done a lot. I am not the same person who started this class last summer. It has been the greater part of a year and in that time I have undergone a significant change- most of it is not related to this course- but a lot of it is. I have had some major changes in my life and the materials that Professor Goldsmith chose for us to read and the projects that he had us work on provided a framework for me to assimilate the changes in my life. It was a good place to be.
This semester was hard. When I mentioned that to a classmate in one of my Arabic classes, my professor wondered why that was? I reiterated what he already knew about my circumstances. It is a significant fact that Professor Goldsmith understood before I ever said it was hard. He understood that it was hard, why it was hard, and in what ways it must and might be hard. Noone but myself will ever understand the internal struggle that I have undergone in the last year because language has its limitations. I can say, I became pregnant with an unexpected baby after going back to school and only someone who has had that happen will be able to understand the holistic impact of such an event. I can say that my baby ended up in the hospital and only someone who has had that happen will understand what that actually means. I can say that my parents who disowned my family decided that it was time for us to forgive them and wanted to start seeing eachother again. I can say that I couldn't sleep at night after any and every unsolicited encounter with them and that part of me wants them to love me and the other more rational part knows that meaningful love is not available there. Only someone who has spent their life being manipulated by someone with borderline personality disorder can understand what that means, can understand the extent of the selfishness and willingness to hurt another person in order to win an imaginary battle. I can say that I had postpartum depression and had begun to wonder if there was even a point to life, let alone school- and only someone who has been there while carrying the weight that I carry can understand that. I don't know what Professor Goldsmith has experienced of heartbreak and struggle, but he knew I wasn't in a good place. And that made a difference.
I am a different person today. I like some of the ways that I have changed and I dislike others. I'm not as nice as I was. I have learned how to tell someone in no uncertain terms to go to hell. I think it is for the best that I learned that, but I still don't like it. I learned how to recognize and peel aways the layers of shame and guilt around the decisions that I make and to feel okay about making a decision simply based on my desire. I have learned to let my boys be more self sufficient. I think I have moved too far in that direction, but it was for the best that I learned it at all. I have learned not to care so much if I have a 4.o. Don't get me wrong, I still want good grades, but I don't feel so much like I have something to prove to the world. I know now that I get to go to school, even if I don't have straight A's. And I get to buy a new pair of pants even if I haven't lost weight yet.
I have less faith in people, and yet I have more. I have had to turn my heart off a little towards my parents and open it up a liitle more to my community.
This course gave me the ability to view the world in terms of its possibility. I no longer see the way things are as inevitable or even acceptable sometimes. I believe that the little guy can actually make changes. I have learned to look at my world and at my community with a critical eye- not for criticism, but for inspection. I have learned that I own my community, it does not own me. I am not helpless in the face of a huge grinding machine. There are things much bigger than me, but I can make a difference- on a local level, with small changes.
I've become more social in this last year. I've become more civic minded. I've learned a little about how things are done. I've watched Professor Goldsmith network with people and enable amazing things to happen with a word here, a business card there, a timely correction or clarification, and the generous sharing of information. And I know that I can also be a facilitator of improvement.
I'm ready to move on.
